Posted by Anonymous on 2014/12/24 under Uncategorized Every day I feel like this. Its painful and I can feel this desire to want to end it all if only to stop the hurt. I am a broken being. All of my trials in love and life have left me with just scars and mental issues and emotional problems. Anxiety, Depression, Mood Swings, Trust issues and dependency all the things that affect me. But this is just so you can gain some understanding on how I feel now here is the main point. There is a guy I am hopelessly devoted to. Shamefully devoted to. He is all I want in the world and he would be mine if I hadn’t messed everything up in our past. We’ve known each other for almost 2 years and our lives together a cycle of Falling in love, never committing, having a fight, hating each other, moving own to some one else, leaving them, missing each other apologizing and falling back in love. I know 2 years doesn’t seem like a long time but in that time we have been through this 3 times. At first he was devoted to me but I wasn’t ready to commit.I ended up hurting him really badly twice but he still managed to forgive me. However, he never forgot. We are now really close with each other but now hes the one who doesn’t want to commit to me. I have apologized countless times and for the past 5 month I have done nothing but try to prove to him how much I changed and how willing and ready I am to be with him 100%. But he hasn’t forgot all those hurt feeling and is to scared to be with me. But he’ll never tell me to leave him. He shows in really subtle ways that he loves me but he will never admit it if I confront him about it. But here’s where my emotional issues come into play. With us not being committed we have the freedom to sleep with who we choose. Now this truly kills me because I get jealous and I begin to panic. I always think he’ll leave me for these other people. Any time he doesn’t answer me I assume this is what he is doing. Im a nervous wreck most of the time and I cant sleep eat or drink when I get like it. I loose all motivation to live and the only thing that quells my nerves are messages from him. I know its not something I can stop him from doing because he isn’t mine and he tries to keep my nerves calm by trying to hide when he does it from me or tell me its no big deal and no strings are attached but I know him well enough to know when hes hiding something and that is the only thing he hides from me and even if is no strings attached I can’t ever shake my fears that he’s gonna leave me. I love him. I know he’s the one cause I can feel it in my bones and life constantly tries to keep us close to each other. I just want us to actually be together. To fix what I messed up in the past and to squash the fears I have once and for all. I tell myself it will get better but Im afraid this will kill me before I even get to see it come true. I wish you would love me like you used to Brady. Life without you isn’t even worth living